Using the following illustrations as a guide, consider these as the best method for the application of your dog’s patent pending Dog Condom™.
There are a few different “right ways” to apply it, but many more “wrong ways”, and it’s our goal to help you keep that red rocket firing straight ahead. After all, when it comes to the red rocket, it kind of is rocket science.
Don’t Put Dog Condom™ on Dog Balls – It sounds pretty basic, but if you make this mistake it will ruin the experience for your dog, and may even ruin his testicles.
As handy a fastener as the furry chestnuts make for, if you roll the condom all the way down the penis, onto and over the testicles, it may cause serious long term damage to your dog, both physically and emotionally.
Don’t Apply by Mouth – Many dogs resist their owners putting their hands down in the business sector, so you may need to get creative to earn compliance.
If Fido resists, consider rolling it down with gentle, tender stroking motions. Don’t use your mouth to apply it.
Although that may have served you well in college (regardless of gender), dogs find interspecies contact of this sort demoralizing, and even those that accept it find their regret so great they’re three-times as likely to wander into traffic thereafter.
Non-Petroleum Lubricate As Needed – If your dog doesn’t get his partner going, and needs that extra bit of juice to make the magic happen, consider the use of a non-petroleum-based lubricant.
Vaseline, motor oil and fuel injector cleaner are all examples of lubricants that will corrode the condom, reducing its effectiveness, perhaps entirely.
Instead use Pam cooking spray, which is natural, safe, and has a buttery deliciousness that most dogs find to be an aphrodisiac.
Carefully Remove After Completion – Just like with humans, it’s important to carefully remove the dog condom after use.
Do not unroll it, but rather slide it off in a single motion, squeezing tight around the base to capture all wayward spermicles that may try to find other ways to get to the bitch hole.
You can throw this in the garbage, but since it’s a bio-hazard, you may wish to first rinse it in the sink.
Do not wash it in the dishwasher or clothes washing machine, and never re-use the same condom.
If you can’t bear the thought of parting with your puppy-chowder, you can always wring it into a container, such as a one-ounce plastic bullet, like they use for the sweet & sour sauce you get from Chinese takeout, and save it in the freezer.
Cloning technology isn’t here yet, but in the next ten to twenty years it may become cost effective to use that seed to clone your dog and bring him back for seconds, but not sloppy seconds!
