If your dog is not able to have natural intercourse more than five to fifteen times per week, he (or she!) may be at serious risk for prostate cancer further down the road. Dog Condom™ is an effective tool for the prevention of countless canine maladies, but everything we guard is sexually transmitted, not otherwise natural.
Even pediatric gynecologists have yet to understand the link between domesticated dogs and prostate health, and it’s not because of a lack of research on the subject, as there have been many, many studies conducted thus far in veterinarihistory.
Before you begin to doubt, allow me to point out that all of the information that follows in this article was given to us directly by a PhD in herpetology, which is one of the highest degrees in non-human anatomy that one can ever attain, so the advice isn’t just off the cuff, it’s vetted, at least to that extent as indicated by his credentials.
Unlike Adult Onset Canine Syphilis, which is commonly referred to as the silent killer, Canine Prostate Cancer is more often known by its street name “the Screaming Murderer,” because if your home companion should suffer it, you’ll likely search his paws and haunches for weeks trying to find the burr or splinter that’s afflicting him like Satan’s own stiletto, only to learn upon autopsy that is was already too late by the time the symptoms were present.
The key to the prevention of canine prostate cancer is the butt of many jokes, only because it requires your direct intervention specifically through the butt of your canine, but you’ve already scooped poo’s a plenty, so why be squeamish now that it comes to the survival of your pooch?
There is a way to prevent it, and it’s as simple as massaging your dog’s prostate, regardless of the gender of yourself or your dog, or whatever sense of gender awkwardness you feel towards your dog.
Canine prostate massage is one of the easiest things you’ll ever do, kind of, and it’s met with far less resistance than even routine brushing of your dog’s teeth. Here is a quick run-down of how it should be done in order to protect long-term prostate health, and this isn’t just for male dogs, though they typically are at greater risk of prostate cancer than females:
1 – Got Snausages?
Before the massage begins, have some doggy treats on hand, such as Snausages or Manfro Bits, but anything can work. If you can set the mood with gentle music, such as soft jazz and candles, that’s ideal. This isn’t a “romantic interlude” of course, but the gentle environment is sure to put your pup as much ease as it does you, and that’s all that matters… in the end.
2 – Sharp Stuff Has to Go
Remove all sharp rings and hand-related jewelry, and clip your finger nails. It may not seem important just yet, but even clipping pinky nails may make all the difference in the world in just a few short minutes.
3 – Glove it Up
Put a surgical glove on your dominant hand. Kitchen gloves are too thick to know what you’re doing and gardening gloves will be far too course for the tender back entryway of your dog.
If you can’t find an appropriate glove, don’t worry about it too much, just be sure to wash your hand thoroughly afterwards, scrubbing even the cuticles.
Be ready for what’s about to happen next. It’s like the George Michael song described it. It’s the “Father Finger”, and you’re about to tell your dog who his daddy is.
4 – Speak Softly and Carry A Big Hand
Speak soothing words to your dog, such as calling him “baby” or “angel”. Even if he doesn’t know the words, he’ll know you’re in a tender mood.
That’s important because he already knows you’re in a penetration-oriented mood, and he’s desperate in this momemnt for more comfort that the dog biscuits can provide, especially considering you haven’t even given them out just yet (and you won’t! This will ruin everything and make him/her run away if you freely dispense with them now. Just don’t do it!)
5 – Stroke Him Gently
Once you’ve established a degree of trust, start stroking your dog’s back with your gloved hand, while still cupping his (or her) genitals with your ungloved hand.
Continue speaking soft, kind words, as you eventually work your way back towards the anal opening with your latex clad hand. No rush, just pet and stroke and work your way back.
He’s likely already figured out what’s going on, so no need to stampede for the anal opening, just let it happen naturally.
6 – Blurt Your Command Word
Once you’re in position to make the major penetration, establish a defining word that you can use later for disciplinary conditioning purposes.
You’re going to be poking your fingers fully in there (no need to be gentle at this point, you won’t sneak anything past your dog now), but you can shout an unforgettable command word for later usage, such as the likes of “Scooby!” or “Cabinet!” or “Snarfblatt!”
Anything will work, so long as you have no desire to use it as a compliment or reward in the future, but putting this mental marker in place can keep your dog off countless couches and cupboards in the future like you wouldn’t believe.
7 – Finger(s) Into Rectum!
Take whichever hand you’ve already adorned with the glove, or assigned for a modest scrubbing at a later time, and stick at least one finger into the rectum, but anywhere from four to six is preferred, in order to maintain maximum dexterity for the job you’re about to undertake.
Sock it in there, but sock it gently, though very, very quickly, and act as if nothing is amiss or abnormal. If your dog lets with a yelp, pretend you don’t hear it, or if you must, pretend you misunderstand this shriek of despair.
Act as if it’s a normal call for attention and say something simple like “Yes, doggy, this is what we do for your prostate health, That’s OK, right?”
It’s degrading as hell, but this is a dog we’re talking about, no matter how passionate you may be about preventing prostate cancer.
If your dog disagrees at this point, there isn’t much he can do but cry for the pain of having a man-hand beyond his pup sphincter.
8 – Play it for that Power
Now that a good percentage of your best hand is soundly within the rectum of your dog, you’re in an unprecedented position of power.
You can command anything you want at this point, and your dog will know it too, because any failure to comply could result in your ripping the intestines right out the poo-port of your terrier’s derrière, whether intentionally or accidentally.
No need to be modest, it’s not that you have the upper hand so much as you have the inner hand, and both of you will know it all too well, so make the most of it.
Now is not the time to tell your mangy mutt to sit or roll over, as either may well kill him from the internal bleeding, not to mention the fact that he’s far too busy playing dead.
Just make sure to establish eye contact, if flexibility permits, and let your dog understand who is in total control.
9 – Prostate Hide & Seek (and find!)
Reach around the outer walls of the rectum, or large intestine of you’ve accidentally made it that far.
Somewhere towards the southern wall you should find an organ that feels like you’re groping a casaba melon through a corduroy nap sack, and that’s right.
If you’re grabbing at 180 degrees of where you should be you’ll find a spine which will feel a bit like a rigid bead curtain like your mom’s hippy friends used to needlessly divide rooms in stoner futility.
If you’re off to the side too far you’ll only feel ribs, and unless you’re vegan, you should have a pretty good idea what those feel like without my help.
If you’ve gone too far you’ll find a pair of clay sponges – those are the kidneys – do not squeeze them unless you wish to cause serious harm and watch a week of blood-red piss come out of your dog.
If you haven’t gone far enough you’ll still be groping the outside, and those things will be nuts, and the grabbing of which will quickly lead to a pair of back-paws to the face, but this is a learning process, so don’t be too upset if that’s where you’re at.
Just go back a step or two and repeat the instructions.
10 – Squeeze the Evil out of that Prostate like a Teenage Pimple
Now that you’ve found the prostate, give it a subtle, humble, kindly, giving, loving massage. Don’t use more than five fingers on it at any given time, and treat it with the tender vigor you’d wantyou’re your own prostate.
You like a bit of sensation, but not so much that you blow immediate loads or freak out and lose your mind, both of which are strong possibilities. Treat it like an orange pepper out of season.
You respect it, but you know it’s tender, and you refrain from laying down with too much squishing, squeezing, groping or any sort of firm twisting.
11 – Lubricate That Gland, (as needed)
If you start to get dry, which is very common in the case of canine prostate massage, even for us professionals, don’t hesitate to slick it back up for the comfort of yourself and your pup.
Never use petroleum-based solvents like Vaseline, as these are destructive to latex barriers and exceedingly cliché as it pertains to unusual acts potentially construed as sexually deviant.
Instead use margarine, Saffola, Pam non-stick cooking spray, any of the lesser viscous human fluids, girl squirt (shejaculate), olive oil, mayonnaise, yoghurt, man chowder, jelly or I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
If all you have is salsa, that will have to do, but this should be considered as a last resort. Also to be avoided is dry pancake mix, as it tends to coagulate around the wrist in a most unsavory stew (depending upon what you find savory.)
12 – Don’t Quit Until It’s Quitting Time
Find it, work it, keep it lubed and go ever so gingerly until you are done. You will know when you are done, and while it’s a bit adult for the general reading public to explain exactly, let me just say that, when you’re done, believe me, there is no way you won’t know it.
If by some odd twist of time and space you somehow manage to blank out on the 60-blasting seconds that will define your completion, don’t worry, everything you love and own within twenty-yards will be able to attest as to the fact that you have achieved your mission in a brackish brine of santorum all over your home.
It’s critical that you DO NOT stop too soon. Just keep doing whatever you’re up to, and at the same rhythm, and maintain it until it’s simply done.
13 – Gently De-Fist Your Dog
Once you have completed your holey mission, you can finally remove your hand from the interior of your dog.
Do so slowly, and with tenderness, as this is a very tender time for both of you, and the suction from withdrawal alone can cause very serious internal problems, if not executed properly.
Very often your pet will sense the post-coital awkwardness, so consider saying some encouraging words. Since dogs don’t speak English, feel free to utter guttural groans along the acoustic lines of “oh, God, honey, that was amaaaazing, grrrr, fhqwhgads” etc.
14 – Sniffle the Mitt
If the moment is still awkward, which is almost guaranteed, and you wish to continue your status as the alpha male (or female), the next thing you need to do is put that filthy mitten to your face whiff in a solid snuffle of the glove.
If your dog only stares back blankly, you aren’t quite there yet (some dogs are really dumb, don’t take this personally). If your dog didn’t “get it”, you’ll need to lick that fisted hand while making monster-style noises.
It may seem foreign, but it is, we learned it from a guy who lives in Portugal. No dog would ever question a bi-ped after such a fistular suckle-snorting, and I’ve never met an animalologist that would disagree (and I’ve run this theory by several!)
15 – Let Him Outside for Walk of Shame
Once you’re pet is totally spent, and you’ve finally retracted yourself from within, your pet will very likely want to go outside, perhaps for a bathroom break or simply to hide from you; the dominant alpha of the pack.
Let her go, and don’t say a word. For at least a few days afterwards you should not provide any treats, and if any foods are begged for, you should refer your dog to your spent glove, which you should keep forever on hand as a badge of shame.
This is the thing that separates dogs from people, but we can close the gap if we work properly.
16 – Repeat Because Necessary
Once finished, you may wonder how long you should wait before repeating this process to ensure the greatest health for your dog.
The answer is that you should not do it very often at all, as it is very strenuous physically, and completely demoralizing emotionally.
You should wait at least 5-days before repeating the process, but no more than 7-days, ideally.
While the data from the many research studies is as yet inconclusive, one thing we know for sure is that none of the dogs who were subject to weekly prostate exploitation ever developed any prostate cancer, nor any polyps.
All you can do to best protect your pets from these horrible ailments is take twice-weekly precautions with rigor, vigor and diligence.
Failure to do so may result in a premature shortening of lifespan, as well as incredibly expensive veterinary visits in the future.
Nothing costs more than chemotherapy following the extraction of a cancerous prostate, except for perhaps a double-hip replacement or multiple bypass, neither of which are routinely performed on animals.
If you love your critter, now is the best and only time to take action towards protection.