Frequently Barked Questions

Do you have questions about dog condoms? We’ve gathered the most common questions we’ve received and answered all of them to best meet the needs of your doggie.

Do Dog Condoms™ really work?

Do human condoms work? Do dishwashing gloves keep you from getting dishpan hands? Is prayer effective?

As sure as a bucket stops the rain from dripping on your kitchen floor, our patent pending Dog Condom™ is sure to collect all the fluids for which it is designed, assuming proper application and a full withdrawal from the male dog prior to penis flacidification.

Do Dog Condoms™ fit all dogs?

Yes and no, but really no. Our specially created, patent pending Dog Condoms™ have been scientifically designed for use with medium to large dogs.

Small dogs deserve love too, and we’re keenly aware of that, but our team of expert scientists and fabricators have experienced unexpected difficulties in the testing of condoms for toy to small sized dogs, specifically that designing a condom that allows for any amount of sensation at that size that doesn’t immediately rupture creates a puzzle that has thus far defied physics.

We have designed ones the deprive all sensation but fit, or ones that do not fit, fall off, but permit ample sensation, mostly because they have fallen off of the unbelievably tiny phallus of your miniature dog.

We wish to assure consumers that we are still working on this problem, and that as soon as a viable product can pass our rigorous testing standards, it will be made available to our purchasing public.

My Dog Hates Condoms And Says It’s Not As Good, What Should I Do?

You should remind your dog that he isn’t a human being, and that those feelings are reserved for people.

It’s very likely you’ll need to stop letting him feed from the table, which is a leading cause of dogs thinking they are people, and remind him that he drinks from the toilet, something even drunk people don’t do in the sickeningly early morning hours of siks de mayo.

Also remember that your dog doesn’t actually talk, and that if he’s unwilling to imbibe of the puppy love you’re so lovingly affording him, he can go drag his balls across the carpet for all you care.

Is It Me Or Are There A Lot Of Jokes On This Site?

Hopefully it’s both. It is you, and there are a bunch of jokes on the site. Focus groups taught us even before we went to market that these are uncomfortable issues, and ones people feel most comfortable dealing with thanks to the aid of joking around.

We understood these reactions and did our best to keep the tone of the company light and jovial, as if to underscore the seriousness of the mission we’ve been entrusted unto.

If our jokes fall flat, we apologize, but hopefully your dog’s penis will not! (That is an example of a joke approved overwhelmingly by our focus group, so take that with a grain of salty fluid, as it were.)

What’s Wrong With Dog Abstinence?

Unlike humans, dogs have an unnaturally hard time with the idea of abstinence.

If you raise your pup entirely in captivity, never expose him to other dogs, and don’t let him watch as much as the first minute of television, he’ll still have these “natural” urges to hump, hump, and hump some more, often even hump his very brains out on everything in sight.

This may mean the destruction of your Persian rug, designer jean leg, or the total destruction of your most beloved stuffed animals or fine china.

Have Dog Condoms™ Been Safety-Tested?

Yes they have, but since we refuse to perform animal testing (cruel and inhumane) they have only been tested on humans. We are confident the efficacy remains equal, however.

What About Faith-Based Canine Sexual Safety?

There are many programs around the country doing amazing work for dogs using faith-based teachings straight out of the Bible. We don’t know which books of the Bible, because we’re in the business of selling condoms for dogs, not trying to get dogs to understand scripture.

Since canine marriage remains illegal (thank God!) there is no way to make dog intercourse acceptable. We see this as a battle between dog overpopulation and fixing dogs. Our goal is to keep your precious puppy as natural as possible without adding to already bloated pup populations.

Why Not Just Get Your Dog Fixed?

We don’t think that dogs are “broken”, and if that’s the case, they don’t need to be “fixed”.

What a crazy idea that dogs come straight from God with some deficiency that makes them need repair.

We don’t believe you should do any surgery to your dog.

Sure, think about getting shots, maybe yank a spleen if it goes bad, but if you’ve got perfectly functional genitals, what sort of monster would you have to be to remove them?

What’s The Return Policy?

Returns are only allowed for incorrect products, or products entirely defective upon receipt but before they are opened and/or used.

You will need to talk directly with our third-party fulfillment center for complete return details. Be prepared with your invoice number and billing credit card on hand in order to get a return authorization number.

Are Bulk Discounts available?

At this time we are not able to offer bulk discounts.

Are Non-profit/Humane Society Discounts Available?

We are still in the process of ramping up production, so even though we are strong supporters of Dog Condoms™ use as a humane alternative to spaying and neutering, we are not able to afford discounts even to accredited not-for-profit animal shelters or humane societies.

Please work with your director to encourage us to further pursue this in the future, because this is as important to us as it is to you.

Do You Offer Cat Condoms?

No of course we don’t. That’s a pretty silly idea. We get this request a lot, but if you stop and think about it for a second, I think you’ll understand and agree that the idea of putting a condom on a cat is pretty strange, and in no way a good idea.

If Condoms Are So Great, Why Don’t Humans Use Them?

It’s a myth that humans don’t use condoms. In fact, several thousand condoms are sold in the United States each year, and only a small majority of those are believed to be used for novelty purposes.

So even though you may not be one, or even know one, we can assure you that statistically there must be at least a few humans somewhere that actually use condoms. Even though none of us do, they’re disgusting, and since they don’t stop pregnancy or disease (according to the Whitehouse’s own Abstinence-Only education programs), what’s the point? I also don’t chase Frisbees, but I can see why it might be healthy for my dog to do it.

Are Dog Condoms™ New?

Yes they are. While humans have enjoyed several decades of at-will birth control, it hasn’t been introduced to animals as a choice until now.

Sure, many livestock breeds suffer restricted impregnation possibilities, but their alternative is living like a monk, and that’s very unnatural.

Thanks to the very recent invention of Dog Condoms™, dogs are able to enjoy baby-free sex without the horrible side-effects of spaying or neutering.

Humans have been pretty high and mighty with their control of the birth flow, but now they can extend this luxury to their pets, thanks to Dog Condoms™.

Can I order Dog Condom™ products using C.O.D.?

Yes you can, but only if you place your order from 1985… but if you’re trying to place an order from the current century, then no you can’t, because C.O.D. was abandoned as a serious means of payment decades ago on account of the rampant fraud it automatically incurred.

If you love your dog, don’t try to convince us of it, convince VISA or MasterCard, and make them extend you the credit you need to buy these simple products. Even having a bank account in decent standing will afford you a Visa Debit Card.

If you can’t get, then your dog doesn’t deserve to have sex. Sorry, but facts are facts, and if your cash flow is that bad, I don’t even know how you put the Kibbles and Bits in from your Atta Boy’s Gravy Train.

I’m a PETA member, Do I Get Anything Special?

Yes! As a member of PETA (please have your member number handing when placing your order, or contacting Customer Care for assistance), you are automatically entitled to purchase our products at our currently posted, all-time low prices. You are also allowed to feel really great about yourself for doing so.

Can’t I Fashion My Own Dog Condom Out of Plastic Stay-Fresh Wrap And Rubber Bands?

You sure can, assuming you’d like your dog to have zero birth control or sexually transmitted disease protection, while at the same time making his intercourse experience the most painful, loudest, crinkliest and most regrettable, all while running a near-certain probability of cleaving his testi-bag straight off in turnicate-style fashion.

In other words, no. In case our sarcasm isn’t sufficiently evident, no you can’t do any such sort of thing unless you hate your dog more than life itself; despise spending even a nickel; and wish to go to hell or prison for what is obviously animal cruelty.

I Don’t Have A Credit Card, How Can I Purchase Dog Condom™ Products?

Although it may seem like a complicated matter, it is in fact very easy.

You can ask someone who has a credit card to purchase our products for you.
You can pull your head out of your ass long enough to actually get a credit card, even a pre-paid credit card.
You can purchase a pre-paid credit card and use that to make your purchase.
You can just not be such a deadbeat all the time.

I’ve Run Out Of Human Condoms, Can I Use The Dog Condom™ For Myself?

Well, technically, yes you can, but it was engineered specifically for canine use, so we can’t exactly say what use it will have. Surely there must be a gas station or convenience store handy.

That would be a better bet, since our condoms are formulated for dog-to-dog use, and you’re a person who is hopefully intending it for use with another human. I mean, if it’s life and death, I’d say use the Dog Condom™, but it’s pretty suspect and odd, and we would like to not actually endorse such behavior. (This is a real, frequently asked question, sadly.)

Can I Buy Dog Condoms™ For Somebody Else’s Dog?

Well yes you can, technically, but why are you doing this? If it’s because you have a fine little lady of a dog, and there’s a neighborhood tramp eager to stampede his dog carrot all over her tender pink parts, and you don’t want the resulting mutts in your yard, that’s a fine reason, and as long as you clear it with the owner of the mounting dog, you should be in the clear.

If you own no dogs, but are just purchasing condoms for random neighborhood pups, the real question is more about what the hell you might have in your head that makes you think this is somehow acceptable.

The condoming of dogs (thanks to Dog Condoms™) is an intimate decision between pup and owner, and outsiders really have no say in the matter. Consider first and foremost what your motivation is, and what your desired end result is, and then ask if you’d feel comfortable with your Grandma and Jesus knowing about it, and make your decision from there.

I Keep Putting Them On My Dog, But He Keeps Saying They Are “Ruff”, Why Is That?

That’s a common misunderstanding. Dogs aren’t people, and they can’t speak, so when you hear your dog say “ruff”, he’s not saying that the texture, sensation or experience is “rough”, he’s just saying “ruff”, because that’s what dogs say.

They say it when they’re happy, sad, angry and just a bit put off by the presence in the yard of the postman.

Also important to note is that your dog doesn’t actually have any feelings either way towards your postal carrier, he’s just delighted to have somebody in the yard to interact with.

We all like to think our dogs are super smart, but that just shows how dumb we are, while the unbelievably simple truth is that our dogs are just bored.

Those of us that think anything more of it are admittedly stupid, but we accept that judgment, because it’s fairly obvious that we are.