Contact
There are as many reasons to contact us as there are people reading our site, so before you drop us a line, please consider which of the following best describes you.
1 – Customer Praise - If you’ve already ordered from us and have appreciated our products as much as we just know that you have, you’ll probably want to drop us a line to let us know what a fantastic job we’re doing. Our products are innovative, our quality is unrivaled, and our shipping is generally flawless, and we know all this, but we never get tired of hearing it. While we don’t have time to respond to every email individually, we do read them all, so please send us your gratitude, and we’ll surely print it out and save it for future generations (and shareholder meetings), and we thank you in advance for your kind words.
2 – Non-Customer Comment - If you’re somebody who either hasn’t ordered from us, or is considering making a purchase, or at least you’re ready to complete the skim-assume-react triangle that so horrifically plagues this industry, you may do so by this address as well. We do permit non-customers to contact us, so feel free to do so, I guess.
3 – Media Requests - If you are a member of the media looking for an interview, you may send us an email to request comment or interview. You’ll probably end up talking with Barry or Dew, but let us know the following in advance: Deadline, Story Angle, Preferred Contact Method (phone, email, in person, etc.), and anything else we should know in advance. In such cases we will consent to our interview being recorded, but we reserve the right to record it as well, and use it ourselves as we see fit. Just make sure it’s very clear in your inquiry that it’s a media request, and let us know what outlet you represent, and we’ll do our best to accommodate your requests upon your deadlines.
4 – Advertiser Connection - If you are an advertiser looking to place ads on this site, we’d be happy to help you with such information as our demographic information, which is currently at about 100,000 impressions per day, though this site only pulls in a large minority of it. The ads you may buy on this site are displayed across a variety of animal protection and activism sites with greater than 90% market being in the United States, the median reader consuming just over 5 pages, and more than 70% of our readers are college educated males between the ages of 18 and 49. That’s a pretty darn sharp demographic, and you might have already guessed it, since you’re here, and if you’re not somebody in that range, it’s more than likely that you were sent here by somebody who was, and who felt so strongly about this site that they sent it to you. If you combine the three canine sites we count as the primary of our demography, we hold a Google PageRank of 7-8, depending on the latest crawl. Ask any SEO company, if you can get links on a site that has a Google PageRank of 7 or 8, you’re going to be in good shape, and that’s kind of what we’re offering. Also, more than 70% of the site traffic comes directly from Tell-A-Friend email referral, meaning that whatever it is we think we’re doing, we’re getting an unbelievably solid reaction from our base (or bases, I guess.)
5 – Outright Complaints - If you’re writing to us to lodge a complaint, it’s going to be an uphill battle. First of all we have a perfect standing with the BBB (Better Business Bureau) that we’ve paid years to attain, and we even went as far as to pay the triple-ish fee to become a Platinum Established business, so that means there is virtually no complaint you could lodge that would ever stick to us. Beyond that we get so many letters of thanks, praise and compliment that your random, odd letter of complaint wouldn’t mean a whole wholly unholy hell of a lot to us, assuming we actually managed to get around to reading it in the first place, which is less and less likely these days on account of all the lavishing of praise we bathe in by the day.
6 – Legal Correspondence – Just don’t. We’re all friends here, so let me give you this advice. You’re thinking about legal action, I’m telling you “just don’t”. You have to know by know that were smarter than you guys and theirs nothing you can do to outsmart us. You can search us out from the back, business end of the site and finger out whom we are, but you’ll never win because we’ve got so much more Johnny cash than you do and every simple word we write is veddered by at least a hundred peoples before it goose out. Don’t be a looser, just recognize how smart we are.
7 – Dating Requests – I don’t normally like to talk about myself in the third person, but if you’re curious, he is a dashing fellow whose editor can’t be bothered to see what I’m (I mean he is)scribbling on these backwater pages. Here’s the deal. I’m 5’9” and single, though I do have an ex-wife and a young daughter, and I still live with both of them, but good news; we don’t have a dog. Nope, we’re allergic and asthmatic, and we just don’t believe in them. By the same token, I hope you’re not hoping for good genes because I’ve suffered the snippy-snips, even though we oppose it for dogs.
We used to have pet snakes but the damn things wouldn’t die so we found some insane woman on Craig’s List to take them from me in trade for a good home, which I thought meant sex, but boy was I wrong, because even as overweight, female-balding, myopic and creepy as she was, she still didn’t seem to have any interest in tagging up with me and/or my old lady, neither in two-some or three-some fashion, regardless of gender mix, which is really upsetting because it would have been hard enough to convince my old lady to go for it. For all (of my) intents and purposes, I’m now divorced and my daughter died in a horrible locomotive derailment, if you believe such things when they might earn me sympathy. And if you’re up for that story, you’re superbly the sort of hot-stuff I’m ready to rock, so send me an email and try not to be too fat, bearded or tall, or, um, well just don’t be a dude.
8 – Copyright Infringement Complaint – That’s a lie and we both know it. There isn’t a single photograph on this site or a single two-word combo that we didn’t create ourselves, hire personally, or secure an exclusive, explicit right to reprint. It’s not that I’m saying you’re lying, it’s that I’m calling you a liar here in front of the whole world with no shame, no room for quarter and no place to back off to. If you’re uncertain, check the waiver you signed, because even if I’ve got you stuffing a weasel up for a high colonic, I’ve got your waiver right here man… wanna tangle?
Before you send your letter you really should read the Privacy Policy, since it dictates in ways you might not even believe the exact sorts of ways in which we may take rights over your message, and especially if it’s an ugly sort of email, we may have a good couple dozen ideas in mind as to how we might blow it out for usage in the future… you feeling me?
We wouldn’t ever publish your name or information that our man-on-the-street audit would find to be personally identifying, but if you’re going to get really nasty with us, and you wish to remain anonymous at the same time, that may not be entirely possible, because once you send it, we own it, and we can do with it whatever we please on account of you having sent it under agreement to these terms. You don’t like animals, we can understand that, but don’t be too shocked if we call you out for that very deficiency in humanity.